As the day progressed, I am enlightened to the kindness of others. Unaware of the affect my words have upon others, I write.
I write to clear out the mess that is my mind.
I write to purge emotions that build and become putrid.
I write because it feels right.
the misery that is me at this time, may pass. Then again it also may get worse. I am aware of the Endless possibilities and endless worlds that exist. For me in this time, I see no light I see no hope. I gingerly hang on to what little hope I have left within me.
My entire life I have always thought in possibilities. Worlds would collide in my mind when I would think upon anything; heck even when playing they found their way into my imagination. The endless possibilities…….
However, as life has had its way with me and I with it, those possibilities have slowly been stripped from my mind. I no longer dream. After my last suicide attempt over eight years ago, I have not been able to dream. When I go to sleep I awake in the morning, with nothing but darkness in between. Most mornings I awake and it feels, even though I am well rested, as if I had just went to sleep.
My voice is getting tired, my desire to seek friendship and the company of others has diminished. With the way my husband has been treated over the past eight years with Katrina, His cancer, his mental issues(PTSD from Katrina), and the infection brought on by his teeth I have slowly but surely lost hope in humanity. It is not in my nature to be this way, that is why I am in so much pain(emotionally and mentally).
I look back upon my life: above average High School Graduate, College for three years, and internship at a big resort, an extra on a TV show, and some published poetry and find myself asking the question, What happened? I know what happened: Drugs, Deciet, Family torn apart, Still Stuck in this male body, no job, no money, a sick partner, and nothing at thirty-seven to show for-except my life.
Except my life- Powerful words in the moment.
I appreciate the comments and kindness of all who have sought to cheer me up and help me look upon the light.
My motto is “It is the Best Day Ever.”
Peace, Light, and Love