Falling down the rabbit hole


The world convolutes upon itself. Nothing seems what it once was. The world has changed and I have, seemingly, stayed the same. What am I to do. 
I struggle daily with my mind. 
My husband chooses to play video games instead of cleaning, working, or in general helping me out. It has been that way for six years; Between the infection in his teeth from bad wisdom tooth and fillings that have come out. Then on top of that he was diagnosed with intestinal/stomach cancer before we met; after Katrina took is life away in New Orleans
My mother continues to date a man who has admitted to selling and using crack cocaine in her house. something I can not be around. She continues to bark at me how lonely she is. Well I got news for her, trying being in a relationship and feeling lonely. It is worse. 
The man who raised me does not want anything to do with me. As far as I am concerned I have no more family. My grandmother has nothing to do with me. 
I am not out there stealing, I am not out there committing crimes, I am not out there using drugs, I am a good person who cleans, cooks, and cares for everyone in this house. 
I have made mistakes in the past. I take responsibility for all the wrongs I have committed and have tried,earnestly, to be a better human being for it. 
When my husband and I decided to move back to his “hometown”, New Orleans, it was with the intentions of escaping my hometown(which is harmful to my well being), get him some medical attention(cause here in Cobb County,Georgia they would not help him-we tried and we tried), and so we could flourish in our relationship. 
Since returning to help my mother and be here for her during the lose of her Father, life has taken a dark and sinister turn. Constantly I am reminded of my past mistakes, from my mother. I am constantly reminded that I am a male- “why can you not fix the plumbing, you are a man, you should be able to fix anything.(from my mom)” 
I am at my wits end. I do not know which way is up nor which way is down. 
I have been clean from cocaine for seven years now. I have fallen off the wagon before, but with the help of medicinal Marijuana, I honestly believe I would not be here today and if I was I would not be free from cocaine. 
So as I sit here, I feel like I am falling down the rabbit hole. No way back. No one to rescue me, but myself. As it stands at this moment, I do not know if I am even worth rescuing anymore. My family has made me feel utterly worthless.

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3 thoughts on “Falling down the rabbit hole

  1. My dearest jay,
    I want to tell you so many things. Like….coulda woulda shoulda. BUT.
    I do not know what’s its like being in “your” shoes. Only you do. No one should tell you how to rule your world.

    I do know that when it comes to family, it is them that we want acceptance from first. It was them we felt love from first. So naturally, we expect it.

    Sometimes unfortunately they are the ones who find it hardest to accept. That does not mean they do not love you. It does not mean they don’t accept you. It simply means, that in their era of mind thinking, they don’t understand.
    Family always pushes away and hurts those they love the most. It’s our mindset that we feel our loved ones should naturally forgive. We are the ones that dont forget the hurt. Sometimes they haven’t a clue.

    Blogging has been MY way of finding health and love. YOU have been a saving grace for me. My story is kinda untold. I’m not the telling kind when it comes to my health nor my friends. I was demonstrouized on FB. It was the most hurtful I have ever experienced. I lost my BF to alcohol. I have blamed myself. YOU have helped me to overcome alot of my hurts. And you had no idea.
    I live by a book that I LOVE.
    I will share a few quotes…

    “You have to remember to make it all over again everyday, the angel said to me. Otherwise it all goes to hell.”

    “She always camaflouged herself as a crowd. I’ve never been lonely, she said, but sometimes it’s hard to think above the noise.”

    “I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts but they needed constant attention and one day I decided I had better things to do.”

    Each day…before your feet hit the floor, repeat to yourself…”IT’S GONNA BE A GREAT DAY!”
    Whether it will or won’t, you have already set your mind,soul and the universe in a positive direction.
    May the peace of love be with you…

    1. I am speechless and grateful. Reading your comment comes at a time when processing the good energy the universe delivers to each and everyone of us, is so difficult right now. I will have to come and say more……

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