Wednesday April 19th, 2017 everything in my world changed. I still have to have the growths in my mouth, biopsied, but when the Dr./Dentist refers to them as liaisons and that in his opinion it more than likely is not good and probably cancerous; everything changed.
Ever since then I have reviewed every last memory and minute of my forty one years here on this forsaken rock. It has been overwhelming. Everything from my rape at seven by my best friends, at the time, brother. To being accused of using drugs while living with a fellow recovering addict when in fact I was just trying to follow protocol in not actually using; which in fact sent me down a path where using drugs was all that would quench the pain. Very similar to what happened when one of my dearest friends abandoned me when I informed him I was having an issue with heroin use; it sent me down a hole that lead to me living with my fellow recovering addict friend. All the way to being used by my best friend and undercover lover in high school to get what he ultimately got.
Its all there, running around in my brain. All the times I have been treated lesser than, all the times I treated others well and was in turn given nothing but pain back.
I think of the time when working on the historic Marietta square and turned to strangers for their kindness, which in abundance they gave, but it back fired for my own demons and my husbands own demons took over when we left and again nothing but pain prevailed. Out intentions were good and pure, well at least mine was; however it back fired.
Now with all of what I am dealing with, I have to deal with all the debts I have not followed through on and paid promptly. Instead I chose to ignore them so I could feed my demons and please those, ultimately, around me.
On top of this shit storm of more pain, I have to deal with my mother. Whom is so selfish and greedy it sickens me. Money, money, money. Its been that way ever since I can remember. It was never about the money attempting to better us, it was all about how much will it cost.
With cannabis I have been able to block all those memories or pain, lies, and deceit. but now I am unable to smoke; and nor do I have the money so I can consume it.
I have repeatedly since age 7 been beaten down by others even my own family. I do not foresee the changes that are about to come to include me being around or near those that have hurt me and still continually do. I have been the problem according to, just about every one of these people. If this is true, then my final act of kindness and love to them all, will be removing the problem from their lives-for good.
And when I do I will not be coming back to this place or to the person I am right now.
I will grow, I will finally blossom, and the rewards only I will reap.