Cancer Smancer


okay. So I went and saw the oncologist today. I have a rare form of lymphoma(non-Hodgkin’s, a hybrid of two other types of lymphoma) that usually is found in men who are HIV+:plasmablastic  lymphoma. I have always tested negative, but never have had a blood test for it.

The test, to find out what stage it is and where it is, cost over $30,000 alone. That does not include the chemo, EPOCH, that they want to put me on which would consist of being admitted to the hospital for five days , for 21 months, and have it pumped through me daily for that period.  I am sure there are possible programs and assistance I could get, but I have seen people such as myself, with my social and economical standing in the system, and it is not good.

It just is more stress to be added on top of enough stress. The waiting, the wandering if I am approved or accepted, the countless personalities(some I am sure are not to pleasant) and the stress of it all, my poor mother and husband and I can not take anymore stress.

I have decided how ever long I have left I am going to rock out with my blazing light of divine joy and love. I have a purpose to fulfill here on this earth. The writing I have produced thus far, the books I am to publish within this year, and the art I am creating as we speak is meant to inspire someone or someone’s down the road. If I am not to complete my task they may not achieve the greatness they are destined for. I am here to inspire, to educate, to prepare, to enlighten, and to bring such joy to the world.

I will do what the divine light has set me forth on this planet to do. So be it.

From the beginning to College, Independence, and Drugs!


My senior was not what I expected. My best friend and I were sharing a room in my parents house. Having sex nearly every day. I got accepted to Georgia Southern University and he was preparing to join the Marine Corps. Towards the end of the summer things got bad. He and I started fighting because he was dating my youth pastor’s sister. What bothered me was he was using her. We fought and fought over this. Eventually lading to my first ever wrestling match.  I went off to school an he had to wait until the winter to go to boot camp. He spent that time living with my parents.

My first year in college was amazing, My high school ring was stolen and my roommate was a filthy guy from Massachusetts , rob was the best roommate I could have had. He had no problem with my sexuality. The one thing he and I had in common was David Letterman. The TV was always left on his show as we both would pass out studying. It was during this time that I met my all time best friend, Melanie; still to this day I miss her. Lisa and Melanie where roommates that rob and I had met during some freshman events. Melanie was the Jewish girl with the wildest laughter and the best sense of humor. She loved music, except country, in all its glory.

It was shortly after spring break that my best friend from high school called me to tell me he was back from basic training. He and I had written one another when ever possible. I went home and had decided it was high time to tell him how I really felt. I expressed my love for him and his exact words, “forget about me.” A week later he calls me and ask me to be the best man in his wedding to his high school sweetheart. The same girl he had  cheated on with me for three years.

The crazy thing, I accepted and even stood there with my mouth shut out of respect for all parties involved. Looking back I probably should have stood up and voiced my disapproval.

My sophomore year saw me gaining my independence. My Best friend, Melanie and I got a two bedroom apartment right of campus. That times was amazing. She, at the time, was a heavy pot smoker; we, in fact  were very much the Odd Couple. I did not smoke tobacco, drink or even do drugs. Did not care for any of it. It was at the end of sophomore that I was accepted into the Walt Disney World College Internship program. Because I was going to be gone for six months Melanie and I decided it best that I move. I got my own apartment that summer before heading to Orlando the fall of my junior year.

My time at Disney was the most amazing experience. I tried pot for the first time while I was there and I got drunk for the first time. I turned 21 years old while I was there; so what better place to celebrate turning 21 than Disney, Orlando.

CANCER? Mouth Cancer, it figures!


Wednesday April 19th, 2017 everything in my world changed. I still have to have the growths in my mouth, biopsied, but when the Dr./Dentist refers to them as liaisons and that in his opinion it more than likely is not good and probably cancerous; everything changed.

Ever since then I have reviewed every last memory and minute of my forty one years here on this forsaken rock. It has been overwhelming. Everything from my rape at seven by my best friends, at the time,  brother. To being accused of using drugs while living with a fellow recovering addict when in fact I was just trying to follow protocol in not actually using; which in fact sent me down a path where using drugs was all that would quench the pain. Very similar to what happened when one of my dearest friends abandoned me when I informed him I was having an issue with heroin use; it sent me down a hole that lead to me living with my fellow recovering addict friend. All the way to being used by my best friend and undercover lover in high school to get what he ultimately got.

Its all there, running around in my brain. All the times I have been treated lesser than, all the times I treated others well and was in turn given nothing but pain back.

I think of the time when working on the historic Marietta square and turned to strangers for their kindness, which in abundance they gave, but it back fired for my own demons and my husbands own demons took over when we left and again nothing but pain prevailed. Out intentions were good and pure, well at least mine was; however it back fired.

Now with all of what I am dealing with, I have to deal with all the debts I have not followed through on and paid promptly. Instead I chose to ignore them so I could feed my demons and please those, ultimately, around me.

On top of this shit storm of more pain, I have to deal with my mother. Whom is so selfish and greedy it sickens me. Money, money, money. Its been that way ever since I can remember. It was never about the money attempting to better us, it was all about how much will it cost.

With cannabis I have been able to block all those memories or pain, lies, and deceit. but now I am unable to smoke; and nor do I have the money so I can consume it.

I have repeatedly since age 7 been beaten down by others even my own family. I do not foresee the changes that are about to come to include me being around or near those that have hurt me and still continually do. I have been the problem according to, just about every one of these people.  If this is true, then my final act of kindness and love to them all, will be removing the problem from their lives-for good.

And when I do I will not be coming back to this place or to the person I am right now.

I will grow, I will finally blossom, and the rewards only I will reap.

 


 

“Prediction Addiction”  by J. C. Crider©2013    AVAILABLE NOW!!!!! *TY TO ALL SUPPORTERS,FANS,AND THE LIKE

Second Poetry Book

“Awakened, Healing, Visions from the Unknown”  by J. C. Crider©2013    AVAILABLE NOW!!!!!!!!!!

Third Poetry Book

“Stitches of Poetry: Volume 1” by J.C. Crider©2013    AVAILABLE NOW!!!!!!!!!!

“Stitches of Poetry: Volume 2” By J.C. Crider AVAILABLE NOW!!!!!

 

So these are all of my self published books of poetry. Everything I have created, except for the covers. But I hope you take the opportunity to purchase one. If you do please feel free to let me know what you think.

The Emmys 2016


Only thirty minutes remain before not only do I get to relive my childhood, but I get to see who wins.
At the young age of four I was introduced to The Emmy Award Show. My dreams were set in stone at that moment; literally for that is all they are, then and now, dreams. I digress, but i wanted to be an actor; heck even at the age of seven while watching the Oscars i had a vision of me winning an award-so much that!
Forty one minutes in and I am not disappointed. I am enjoying myself. Made some brownies some milk and I am all of eight years old again.
“Battle of the Bastards” won-hell yes.
Love, love that the trans community has recieved such acceptance this year. Now i wish they would translate to the rest of the country.
I may not live as a woman yet or am in the process of transitioning, family and finances dictates otherwise at the moment, but when I tell people I am, they tend to alienate me more than if I was actually living as a woman- really weird and disheartening.
Overall I thoroughly enjoyed the Emmy’s this evening; worth staying up later than usual worth every minute-except some of those crappy commercials.
The inmemoriam had me in tears. Come October first i will have been alive for forty one years. The inmemoriam segment had me realizing, ” oh, dear I am getting old. All the great people of the entermaint world I grew up with are miving on to next life; I am getting old, even though I do not feel that way.
Jimmy Kimmel is doing a stand up job-pun intended.
Freaking awesome, Romey Malik(sorry if misspelled). He so deserves this award for his role. AMAZING, it seems The Emmys are actually giving awards to such talented and deserving individuals. Game of Thrones won, yaaassss!!!
Great night. Thank you to the producers of this years show. Well Done!
Until next time friends,
Yours Always,
Jay

Thank you again Emmys for.bringing some nostalgia and entertainment this  dreary day.

Writing a book is not as easy as I thought!


About eight years ago I decided, thanks to my amazing partner, to publish the massive amount of poetry I had written over the years; as well as begin working on my first piece of fiction(a story based upon my life). It was not until two years ago that I finally published three poetry books, with three more ready for editing. It has been extremely difficult writing my life story.

After working in New Orleans, on the infamous Bourbon Street, at a restaurant for a year and enduring a myriad of customer service draining moments, I had to come back to my hometown. My grandfather also passed away. However, upon return I experienced three more jobs in the restaurant industry. My customer service spirit has been damaged and thus making it difficult to be in public. I have been scorned by so many people in the past then, to be scorned by the very people I worked for and desired nothing more than their happiness and pleasure. All this has made writing extremely difficult.

However with the recent, unexpected emotions , my grandmother being diagnosed with cancer, and the responsibility of caring for the home I was raised in, the gates have been opened. I do not know what this means or for how long the desire,the fire within, will burn. But, I hope you ride along with me each day and see where this new journey takes me.

Thank you for taking time out of your day to share in my experience.

Peace, Light, and Love

Diana Jay Crider

If you would like to check out one of my poetry books here they are

Predicted Addiction

Stitches of Poetry:Volume 1

Awakened, Healing, Visions from the Unknown

The end of the day and as promised, Butterscotch Caramel Cheesecake is here


Butterscotch Caramel Cheesecake IMG_20141213_220811 IMG_20141213_220820 IMG_20141213_221331 IMG_20141213_221343 IMG_20141213_221408 IMG_20141213_221421

I am about to sit down with my wonderful other half and watch some “Grimm” and “Constantine” while enjoying this fine product. I am super proud of the final product.

The dust grows steadily!

With Answers comes solutions, however, we may not like them.

I am super happy to be back blogging.

Look forward to our next encounter.

Until we next rise

Have a glorious night!

– D.J.

Peace, Light & Love