when it pours it pours


Found out last week my grandmothers colon cancer is back and it has spread to her stomach and her lungs. She started a new round of chemo, stronger, Monday; the past two days she has been so sick(she is 85). Recently found out my mother has a heart murmur and has had a mild stroke and a heart attack within the past year. I go for my biopsy results for the growths in my mouth tomorrow; praying it is not cancer. because if so that will make three of us(my husband, my grandmother, and I) who have it. I hope not. I do not know what the future holds for me family but it does not look good. We do not have nice things and we do not want nice things, but what we have we are in jeopardy of losing it. Because of the medical bills between my mother, my husband, and I we are two months behind on the house mortgage and two months behind on the utilities. Everything is falling apart. I am seeking help from multiple sources and as of right now, NOTHING! I have started a go fund me page and it has been up almost a month and nothing. If it was not for two of my dear old friends the cable would have been shut off sooner and we would have gone without food. Yes, I know churches and food banks offer free food, but my family and I need nutritious foods(not breads, meats, or canned veggies). Fresh vegetables, nuts, and grains is what we need. It is cheaper to eat unhealthy than it is to eat healthy(which makes no sense to me; makes me believe our country is out to kill us).

Well that about sums it up.

AS in my previous post. I am at a loss, as to, what to do now.

CANCER? Mouth Cancer, it figures!


Wednesday April 19th, 2017 everything in my world changed. I still have to have the growths in my mouth, biopsied, but when the Dr./Dentist refers to them as liaisons and that in his opinion it more than likely is not good and probably cancerous; everything changed.

Ever since then I have reviewed every last memory and minute of my forty one years here on this forsaken rock. It has been overwhelming. Everything from my rape at seven by my best friends, at the time,  brother. To being accused of using drugs while living with a fellow recovering addict when in fact I was just trying to follow protocol in not actually using; which in fact sent me down a path where using drugs was all that would quench the pain. Very similar to what happened when one of my dearest friends abandoned me when I informed him I was having an issue with heroin use; it sent me down a hole that lead to me living with my fellow recovering addict friend. All the way to being used by my best friend and undercover lover in high school to get what he ultimately got.

Its all there, running around in my brain. All the times I have been treated lesser than, all the times I treated others well and was in turn given nothing but pain back.

I think of the time when working on the historic Marietta square and turned to strangers for their kindness, which in abundance they gave, but it back fired for my own demons and my husbands own demons took over when we left and again nothing but pain prevailed. Out intentions were good and pure, well at least mine was; however it back fired.

Now with all of what I am dealing with, I have to deal with all the debts I have not followed through on and paid promptly. Instead I chose to ignore them so I could feed my demons and please those, ultimately, around me.

On top of this shit storm of more pain, I have to deal with my mother. Whom is so selfish and greedy it sickens me. Money, money, money. Its been that way ever since I can remember. It was never about the money attempting to better us, it was all about how much will it cost.

With cannabis I have been able to block all those memories or pain, lies, and deceit. but now I am unable to smoke; and nor do I have the money so I can consume it.

I have repeatedly since age 7 been beaten down by others even my own family. I do not foresee the changes that are about to come to include me being around or near those that have hurt me and still continually do. I have been the problem according to, just about every one of these people.  If this is true, then my final act of kindness and love to them all, will be removing the problem from their lives-for good.

And when I do I will not be coming back to this place or to the person I am right now.

I will grow, I will finally blossom, and the rewards only I will reap.

 

The Emmys 2016


Only thirty minutes remain before not only do I get to relive my childhood, but I get to see who wins.
At the young age of four I was introduced to The Emmy Award Show. My dreams were set in stone at that moment; literally for that is all they are, then and now, dreams. I digress, but i wanted to be an actor; heck even at the age of seven while watching the Oscars i had a vision of me winning an award-so much that!
Forty one minutes in and I am not disappointed. I am enjoying myself. Made some brownies some milk and I am all of eight years old again.
“Battle of the Bastards” won-hell yes.
Love, love that the trans community has recieved such acceptance this year. Now i wish they would translate to the rest of the country.
I may not live as a woman yet or am in the process of transitioning, family and finances dictates otherwise at the moment, but when I tell people I am, they tend to alienate me more than if I was actually living as a woman- really weird and disheartening.
Overall I thoroughly enjoyed the Emmy’s this evening; worth staying up later than usual worth every minute-except some of those crappy commercials.
The inmemoriam had me in tears. Come October first i will have been alive for forty one years. The inmemoriam segment had me realizing, ” oh, dear I am getting old. All the great people of the entermaint world I grew up with are miving on to next life; I am getting old, even though I do not feel that way.
Jimmy Kimmel is doing a stand up job-pun intended.
Freaking awesome, Romey Malik(sorry if misspelled). He so deserves this award for his role. AMAZING, it seems The Emmys are actually giving awards to such talented and deserving individuals. Game of Thrones won, yaaassss!!!
Great night. Thank you to the producers of this years show. Well Done!
Until next time friends,
Yours Always,
Jay

Thank you again Emmys for.bringing some nostalgia and entertainment this  dreary day.

Wintery/Rainy Spring is Here


Evening Fellow Meat Bags,

So the middle of the United States is covered in snow, the north and south East covered in rainy weather, and the west coast is burning; people are losing their minds, shootings all over the place, bomb threats, bombings, and yet the economy is apparently getting better; the job market is apparently getting better. I do not understand. So much pain, so much misery and it is, supposedly, spring.

With the glistening new life sprouting all around, even amidst the snow covered hills of Colorado, it is a shame that everyone can not see the blessings of this time of year, what it brings, what it signals.

If you have not started your planting, I would suggest getting on the ball. I started getting the garden ready to plant some tomato, green beans, cilantro, rosemary, and cucumbers. My bhang seed starts week four Monday. It is growing beautifully. The compost that I started back in august has provided some much need nutrition; for moms’ mother’s day rose bush as well.

My partner has been asleep since 6:30pm. I worry about him, but some days I get so angry with him. He does not seek any help or assistance for his situation. He just sits and plays his video games. He says that they help him forget the pain he is in. I respect his wish, not to go to anymore doctors, to just be. But when we Moved to New Orleans back in 2011, we moved for him to be in his hometown and to get some care of some type; even if it was just pain management. However, he did not. He choose other avenues. Now we are back in Marietta, GA. and he despises it here-people have not been very kind to him, he use to get searched by the Cobb County Police everyday all because he wears a long black trench coat and wears his Insane Clown Posse shirts sometimes.  Many people of the past seven years have expressed to me their fear that he is using me and that he does not have cancer. I know he suffers, I know he is in pain everyday, I am with him; and some days it tares me up inside. I hate watching him struggle so severely and there is nothing I can do to ease his suffering. I could force him to go to the hospital, but his wish, is to not go. Heck he has sever dental issues, which is constantly infected, and he will wait until it is unbearable before he will go. He mainly does not go because , he does not have insurance, we do not have insurance, we are both unemployed, and the last time he sought state funded care they told him to his face that the only thing they could treat him for was the PTSD he was suffering from going through Hurricane Katrina, but the cancer they could do nothing for it. So they put him on these drugs to treat the PTSD; which he should not have been taking because in their info they both stated if you have cancer do not take. All I can do is work on me and try to get life balanced, so I can provide him with comfort and love in his time of need; unfortunately, I have my own set of mental issues that I have been struggling to overcome for some time.

Our love is true and strong. We have overcome some crazy stuff, we have shared some amazing memories, and we have created so much together I know that this to shall pass. In his words “The Universe has a way of balancing everything out.”

My apologies, for the rambling. It is just wen he sleeps like this- tossing, turning, and moaning-that the reality of what we have been through, what we are going through, and the uncertainty of tomorrow I become overwhelmed. I fear that the end of his antibiotics for his tooth and the discovery today that FEMA/Federal Government are telling Hurricane Katrina victims that they are going to have to pay back all the money they gave to them to help them rebuild and recover. Both of us were equally shocked when we saw the story on FOX 5 Atlanta four o’clock news.

Tomorrow start my new challenge 200 sweepstakes entries a day until the end of the year.

Going to be starting Two New Blogs;

1-  Dotties Favorite Recipes – Tried and Tested recipes from my late grandmother

2- Working on title, but will consist of my grandparents journal through the east coast on the retirement trip back in the early eighties.

That about does it. If you have not seen “Dish Nation,” airs on FOX at midnight Monday through Friday, please do-the show has some extremely talented and very funny individuals. It is worth staying up late for. Pleasant dreams.

Peace, Light, and Love

Oh, one last thing I would love some feedback. If you would like me to write about something in particular, if you have any suggestions for the blog, and especially if you would like to donate to helping us better ourselves, I would greatly appreciate it if you could fill out the form below. Thank you!

 

 

 

 

 

Waking up with Robin Meade and Friends


Evening,

Do not hate, I did not write 30 poems in 30 days for National Poetry Writing Month; missed it by two. However, starting Saturday May4, 2013 I am going to begin entering 200 sweepstakes everyday until the end of this year. Kind of experiment. I have seen and read many stories about others success with online sweepstakes. I would like to see if there is any merit to this method of providing income. So every night, my intention, to post up the sweepstakes I enter. I figured that since I am unemployed at the time and I have the blessing to live with my mother, I should take advantage  of the time to work on my writing, my blogging, and my curiosities.

Moving on:

The book is coming along, I could use the assistance of you, fellow human, my reader, and or follower. The trial for Microsoft Office 2013 that I was using to write my first two books has expired. I need either a product key or donations to help me buy the program or heck if someone would like to gift a silly queen, that would be awesome. I would, truly, love to see my work in print and to have millions, upon million, reading them. My creations mean the world to me they are my heart and soul. To be able to let my work, work for me, shining so brightly, and entertaining triumphantly, would make me a very happy individual.

 

NEXT…….:

I am working on bringing my drag persona out once again. Back in college she was beginning to help me make head way in the world of entertaining, but frightened by the thought of success I put her way rather quickly.

 

IS that ALL?

 

Since my shoulder has had me immobile her recently, I have discovered Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. I am having a blast, literally. The people in the multiplayer take it so serious sometimes; and the trash talking. It has put a smile on my face everyday.  If you have not played dthe game you should at least give it a go. It is pretty fun once the controls are learned.

 

Time for BED…….

 

Well I got the yard cleaned up, the mothers rose bush I planted for my mom back in high school, cooked dinner, washed two loads of dishes, fed the animals, and some how managed to bath. Chatted with you lovely folks this evening and now I think I am going play MW3 with my husband. I hope everyone has a restful evening and pleasant dreams.

 

 

 

Egg McMuffin for Dinner – About Time!


Good Morning,

At a quarter to seven this morning, my shoulder decided that it was time for me to awaken. Now my husband and I had, only four hours prior, gotten in bed; however, I feel well rested. Enjoying my morning routine, one observed for the past seven years, watching Headline News , a cup of coffee, and  a jay or two . Miss Robin unfortunately on assignment. The Chemistry between her, Bob, Carlos, and Jennifer makes the morning bearable- heck it even makes the horrid daily news bearable.

Big News: McDonalds is, possibly, going to be serving breakfast all day as well as delivery in some Major Cities(reported that it is already available in New York). About time, the Egg McMuffin is my favorite item. I do not eat red meat that often and considering they stop serving breakfast at 10am, I do not frequent the food chain that often. But, if they offer the Egg McMuffin all day, McDonalds will regain my loyalty.

My husband and I are still unemployed. Not very pleasant living in your Mother’s basement with your spouse and unemployed. We are making the best of it, but seeing as we have had our own, even if for a brief moment in time, and that little bit of normality, life is stressful to say the least. Granted my husband has not really sought interviews. He mainly spends his time playing video games or WoW now. But, he is excused due to the state of his health. However, I have fallen into a selfish abyss of “Pity and Self Abasement.” I tarry on though. With a smile and shit.

 

My shoulder apparently needed attention this morning, so rudely waking me from a, extremely pleasant I must add, sleep. So attention it shall get, looking back on my life, My poor body has been through so much. But between all the drugs, dance, theater, and playing the flute it is amazing I am still mobile.

This video is awesome. It is so awesome, I believe it to be the perfect way to end this communication. Have a beautiful day.

Dancing Babies http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfxB5ut-KTs

Up late pondering…….


I am up late pondering the past two years.
April first was the beginning of National Poetry Writing Month, also known as NaPoWriMo. Since I began this journey of writing a poem everyday, my heart and mind has opened; rather unexpected I might add. I am amazed that I have grown so much since setting out to New Orleans almost two years ago. I do miss New Orleans; the smell of crawfish cooking in the quarter, the sun beaming down as I sat on Jackson Square. Oh, I miss it dearly. I was just employed at the wrong place and I was constantly around unsavory situations and substances. For me, not a good combination. I will be back oh New Orleans, I will be back. But, I skew from my main message. The past couple of weeks has some how opened a door within me that has been closed for far to long. It is a beautiful feeling. A lost companion, now re-acquainted.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank all those faithful readers of my blog and my poetry. My work is my life and it means everything to me. For there to be at least three people reading everyday, that is awesome. I am so honored that my work entertains you. Thank you.

Peace, Light, and Love

Pleasant Dreams.

Jay