when it pours it pours


Found out last week my grandmothers colon cancer is back and it has spread to her stomach and her lungs. She started a new round of chemo, stronger, Monday; the past two days she has been so sick(she is 85). Recently found out my mother has a heart murmur and has had a mild stroke and a heart attack within the past year. I go for my biopsy results for the growths in my mouth tomorrow; praying it is not cancer. because if so that will make three of us(my husband, my grandmother, and I) who have it. I hope not. I do not know what the future holds for me family but it does not look good. We do not have nice things and we do not want nice things, but what we have we are in jeopardy of losing it. Because of the medical bills between my mother, my husband, and I we are two months behind on the house mortgage and two months behind on the utilities. Everything is falling apart. I am seeking help from multiple sources and as of right now, NOTHING! I have started a go fund me page and it has been up almost a month and nothing. If it was not for two of my dear old friends the cable would have been shut off sooner and we would have gone without food. Yes, I know churches and food banks offer free food, but my family and I need nutritious foods(not breads, meats, or canned veggies). Fresh vegetables, nuts, and grains is what we need. It is cheaper to eat unhealthy than it is to eat healthy(which makes no sense to me; makes me believe our country is out to kill us).

Well that about sums it up.

AS in my previous post. I am at a loss, as to, what to do now.

CANCER? Mouth Cancer, it figures!


Wednesday April 19th, 2017 everything in my world changed. I still have to have the growths in my mouth, biopsied, but when the Dr./Dentist refers to them as liaisons and that in his opinion it more than likely is not good and probably cancerous; everything changed.

Ever since then I have reviewed every last memory and minute of my forty one years here on this forsaken rock. It has been overwhelming. Everything from my rape at seven by my best friends, at the time,  brother. To being accused of using drugs while living with a fellow recovering addict when in fact I was just trying to follow protocol in not actually using; which in fact sent me down a path where using drugs was all that would quench the pain. Very similar to what happened when one of my dearest friends abandoned me when I informed him I was having an issue with heroin use; it sent me down a hole that lead to me living with my fellow recovering addict friend. All the way to being used by my best friend and undercover lover in high school to get what he ultimately got.

Its all there, running around in my brain. All the times I have been treated lesser than, all the times I treated others well and was in turn given nothing but pain back.

I think of the time when working on the historic Marietta square and turned to strangers for their kindness, which in abundance they gave, but it back fired for my own demons and my husbands own demons took over when we left and again nothing but pain prevailed. Out intentions were good and pure, well at least mine was; however it back fired.

Now with all of what I am dealing with, I have to deal with all the debts I have not followed through on and paid promptly. Instead I chose to ignore them so I could feed my demons and please those, ultimately, around me.

On top of this shit storm of more pain, I have to deal with my mother. Whom is so selfish and greedy it sickens me. Money, money, money. Its been that way ever since I can remember. It was never about the money attempting to better us, it was all about how much will it cost.

With cannabis I have been able to block all those memories or pain, lies, and deceit. but now I am unable to smoke; and nor do I have the money so I can consume it.

I have repeatedly since age 7 been beaten down by others even my own family. I do not foresee the changes that are about to come to include me being around or near those that have hurt me and still continually do. I have been the problem according to, just about every one of these people.  If this is true, then my final act of kindness and love to them all, will be removing the problem from their lives-for good.

And when I do I will not be coming back to this place or to the person I am right now.

I will grow, I will finally blossom, and the rewards only I will reap.

 

Happy St. Patricks Day


The day is almost done. I steadily pounded the keys a majority of the day working on Amazon Mechanical Turk assignments. I am fearful that we will be homeless here soon and all will end badly. Why, you may ask, is because my mother has had to move in with my grandmother(whom was recently diagnosed with stage 3, level c colon cancer which has spread to her lymph nodes)We are at the tale end of our food, I have barely any gas in the van, I have know idea how in the world I am going to save my moms house; shelter and feed my partner and I; and somehow get medical/dental/vision insurance so we can get some care.My partner(whom also has cancer) got some help in New Orleans, but he has become so despondent and tired of the run around he has pretty much given up.

However, I come to my wonderful audience to thank you all for continued encouragements, retweeting my tweets, and sharing on Facebook. I have now reached 8 subscribers on My YouTube channel, Gendermoon. Slowly but surely.

Be safe out there, KNOW YOUR LIMITS folks.

Peace, Light, and Love

DJ